Welfare Bloopers Fare Well The following excerpts are drawn from letters written by citizens applying for payments from a state welfare agency. Some readers might question my taste in using these applications. My answer is that I am an equal opportunmity collector, and I believe that all members of our society should have the chance to contribute bloopers to Anguished English: * I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. * In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. * I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. * Unless I get my money soon I will be forced to live an immortal life. * You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference? * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. * I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? * I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born. * Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy * Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. * In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet of paper. * My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. * I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks now and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.